'I set up baby loss charity to support men because I couldn't see a community that reflected my experience'

The weight, which he’ll carry for a total of 250km over a period of seven days, has been chosen as a physical symbol of the weight of grief that many men silently carry after baby loss – and John hopes it will encourage people to talk, over a pint or otherwise.

His Care to Carry challenge is supporting charities including Tommy’s and Petals, as well as the baby loss charity Plan of Action, which 40-year-old John founded earlier this year.

Targeted at men experiencing baby loss, the idea came from his own lived experience, after a miscarriage in October 2021.

He says: “My immediate response was quite a common one which was to focus on my partner and do my best to support her. And I think what happened was that I didn't necessarily process my own grief or what was happening to me.

“At the time, things kept going through my head like other men just get on with this, why are you being upset? You just need to get through this.

"That internal narrative was not the kind of thing I’d usually say or think and that was causing me further issues I guess.

“I think one aspect of baby loss as well that perhaps isn't commonly talked about is that it can put a real strain on relationships and that was the case for me.

"Me and my partner actually broke up in the summer of 2022. So just as I was coming to terms with the fact that we weren't having a baby then we lost a relationship as well.”

John, a civil servant based in London, but originally from Wigan, says he “couldn't see a community out there that reflected my experience”. He says he encountered several obstacles that complicated the grieving process for him, including a scarcity of resources targeted towards men.

"At the time, I felt like I just wanted to do something and needed to focus my energies somewhere. And that’s part of why I chose the name Plan of Action for the charity. It’s about helping men find a route through baby loss.

"I suppose many men have this desire to fix things and it's just trying to provide something that's additional to all the services that are out there already that speaks to that kind of experience because I think that's been a gap.”

The charity aims to offer information and resources targeted at men, exploring how to rebuild foundations after loss, particularly losses that happen before 24 weeks of pregnancy.

John also wants to raise awareness of baby loss and try to make conversation around it more common, as well as funding specific research about men’s experiences.

“The ideal would be that the research that we fund could tell us about interventions that would be particularly effective for men,” he explains, “so that we could close that loop and make sure that our digital resources are effective and backed by research as good interventions.

As for talking, “We've come such a long way in talking about cancer and cancer treatment and cancer diagnosis, for example, and getting over the stigma that used to be associated with that. And hopefully I think we can do the same with baby loss.”

John has chosen to walk 250km, a nod to the estimated 250,000 miscarriages that occur in the UK each year. He hopes the walk, taking place as part of Baby Loss Awareness Week, can raise £12,500.

“I think being outdoors is good for your mental health,” he says. “I think as a bloke I find it easier talking about serious things if I'm out on a walk or having a pint with friends. I think it just provides a more low pressure environment for talking about how I feel about things.”

“This is a huge challenge and I’ve set an ambitious fundraising target,” he adds. “Any money at all is going to make a massive difference to us because we're only just starting out as a charity.”

John will start his challenge in Leeds on October 9, passing through Shipley and stopping at the Five Rise Locks café, before ending in Silsden. The following day, he aims to arrive in Gargrave, North Yorkshire around lunchtime.

He will be talking to passers-by on the route and at stopping points, inviting conversations about baby loss awareness.

To donate to Care to Carry, visit linktr.ee/planofactionuk