Skegness Butlin's review: new luxury lodges - we tried them, this is what they're like

Nope, I’m not talking about Rudding Park - though I am quite sure I’m due to treat Mrs M up there - I’m talking about the new, Yorkshire-made luxury lodges that have just become available at Butlin’s Skegness and I am quite sure that this new accommodation will prove too tempting for visitors who perhaps fancied Butlin’s, but worried about the finer things in life.

Well, I can tell you, forget any misgivings you might have had because these Willerby-built lodges, nestled amongst manicured lawns - and an the other side of the tracks to where all the hustle and bustle takes place - are something the Hull-based firm should take a bow for building.

In fact, so comfy are they that we as a family could have done with the old kick up the backside tannoy torture so fondly associated with Butlin’s of old - Bing-bong: good morning, campers. Welcome to another beautiful day with a gentle breeze blowing and the sun shining - it’s time to wakey-wakey and enjoy your holiday - because all we (I) wanted to do was laze around the lodge breathing in the fresh air whilst tuned in to the gentle whoosh and whir of peace and quiet.

No such luck because with two relatively small but growing up way-too-fast children to entertain, idling about on my derriere is not permitted. No word of a lie, we arrived, scooted into our allocated parking spot right next to the lodge, threw our cases through the door and headed through what I came to call the fun tunnel - a brightly-lit, luminous red underpass through which access from the tranquility of Maple Walk - as the £12m luxury park is called - to the madness of Butlin’s.

First stop, the circus. I couldn’t watch! This isn’t some playschool acrobat affair, these guys are seriously skilled entertainers with thingy-me-bobs of steel. I must try not to spoil what is a heart-pumping hour of stunts, tricks and flips - with a good deal of clowning around thrown in - that will have you agog with disbelief. I’m serious!

After that it was off to the all-you-can munch buffet and time for an ice cold bottle of Peroni for me and a prosecco for Mrs M. These are available on the all inclusive package which means all of your food and drinks are paid for in advance. We spent from Friday to bank holiday Monday and barely spent an additional penny - in fact, we took a day trip to the nearby Fantasy Island theme park - the boys are roller-coaster fanatics - and spent more in a few hours there than we did all weekend in Butlin’s, and we found that enormously reassuring on the budgeting front having recently been to Center Parcs only to return home wondering who’d hacked our bank balance.

Before I’d had chance to finish my drink I was being whisked off to a rock show that was every bit as professionally choreographed as the circus, and the eldest was ‘we will, we will rocking you’ with the best off them.

Day 2: I didn’t even get so much as a bacon butty before youngest - the weekend away was his choosing for his 7th birthday - had an appointment with an archery target. 9am sharp and he wasn’t going to be late. A few dozen arrows fired later and I finally got my gnashers into TWO breakfasts - a bit of yoghurt and granola followed by an omelette whipped up at the live cooking station.

Before I could even wipe the stringy mozzarella from my mush we were legging it to the roller rink where the boys went from never roller-skated in their lives to annoyingly good at it in less time than it takes me to tie my shoelaces these days. I, with my svelte frame, politely declined this one.

“Skates, off, run dad! Swimming is starting, now!” Before you can say budgie smugglers I was hurtling down an outrageously unnecessary flume at what felt like 100mph before being unceremoniously spat into a bowl of pain, spun around until that omelette knocked on the door of a return, and splashed out to the joyous faces of my lads in fits of hysterics. ‘Again, dad?’ ‘Why not, kiddos. You’re only young once!’

After that, a little break where long island iced teas and mojitos eased the pain from the flumes - all on the all inclusive, again - but before the ice had melted we were off again. “Freefall, dad! If we’re not quick they won’t let me on!” “Who wants to chuck themselves off a ledge 100ft up in the air anyway!?” “We do, dad!” Off we went.

A day well filled, right? Nope. Saturday meant TWO shows to enjoy and both were genuinely superb but especially the Masked Singer, a spin-off from the Saturday night TV franchise that surely all kids insist on sitting down to? I expected some sort of low-rent fudge; an AI-type bodge that was well enough put together but somewhat underwhelming. Not a bit of it - two VERY well known celebrities (trust me, you know them) were on hand to entertain us and the quality of vocals - live - you’ll struggle to beat.

Still to come: an ABBA tribute, laser quest, WWE-style wrestling (an absolute riot of laughs) with well thought-out characters - goodies and baddies to boo and cheer - and a storyline for us all to follow, the fairground, Skypark, five-a-side football...Optimus Prime!

If you’re breathless reading this, that was absolutely and entirely my intention. Now, what are you waiting for? Go and have a holiday that will remind you how to laugh like no one’s watching!